It turns out not only wasn’t Michael Jackson the biological father, he might not have even been their legal father, as he never officially adapted any of his three children.

US Magazine has uncovered that Michael Jackson’s dermatologist Arnold Klein is the biological father of at least two of Michael’s children, Michael Jr. and his daughter Paris. Additionally, the children were conceived in vitro, with Debbie Rowe (Klein’s empoyee) only acting as a surrogate - meaning we don’t even know who the mother is! Here’s TMZ:

“Multiple sources deeply connected to the births tell us Michael was not the sperm donor for any of his kids. Debbie’s eggs were not used. She was merely the surrogate, and paid well for her services in the births of Michael Jr. and Paris.”

Personally I’d guess Diana Ross as the egg donor, if the kids weren’t so clearly Caucasian. Anyway, TMZ also uncovered that Michael Jackson never even bothered to officially adapt any of his three children:

“We’ve learned Jackson never filed legal papers to adopt any of his children. Legal experts tell us Jackson would be presumed the father but it’s not conclusive by any means.”

Meaning if Debbie Rowe, Arnold Klein, the mysterious egg donor or anyone else involved with the conception of Michael Jackson’s children wanted to wage a custody battle with Jackson’s parents, they’d have a legitimate claim. Which considering what a horrific job Joe and Katherine Jackson did raising Michael; might actually be a good thing.

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Michael Jackson might have died just a few days ago, but apparently most of his body left us years ago. Details of his initial autopsy have been leaked, and regardless of what killed him he was already disappearing into nothingness; as he weighed only 112 pounds at the time of his death, was missing much of his body as the result of at 13 plastic surgery operations, and underneath his ever present wig was just a hint of peach fuzz.

Even aside from him almost certainly having been a child molester, I’m one of those people who just can’t view Jackson’s death as a tragedy. They found numerous needle marks in his shoulders, thighs, and hips- the result of years of 3 times a day narcotics injections. If the guy was in so much pain, real or imagined that he had to pump that much drugs into his system just to feel numb, clearly this was not someone happy to be alive.

The Michael Jackson we grew up watching died years ago; the cardiac arrest just made it official.

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With Britney Spears having her act together as much as that’s humanly possible, it’s nice to have this reminder of what her life was like before her parents put her under virtual house arrest. Taken during the video shoot for Gimme More, here you can see Britney totally topless except for that brown residue K-FED’s spawns left breast feeding her Cheetos.

(Can you OD on bad breast milk? There’s not even having a chance, and then there’s getting a DUI for a crashed tricycle. Nothing would surprise me with those kids.)

Anyway, if you’d like to see more of Brit-Brit topless be my guest, but remember - your lunch isn’t going to keep itself down.

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Usually pictures of celebrity moms in bikinis scare me half to death, because how can I say this regarding my birth control pills… eggs aren’t the only things with expiration dates. But as scared as I am about losing what remains of my figure to a pink dot on a preggers test, I’ve got to admit the original Octo-Mom fame whore is holding up surprisingly well.

Here’s Kate Gosselin in an orange bikini, likely showing off to all her potential new suitors, now that her relationship with Jon pretty much exists only in reruns.

To put Gosselin’s looks in perspective, Cindy Crawford is pretty much genetically perfect, and this is how she looks after only having two kids. How is it Gosselin had 8 kids at once and is still holding up better than a supermodel?

I’d say she made a deal with the devil, but that only explains the TV show. This just doesn’t make sense.

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Who knew getting an STD could be tax write off?

Late last week at an amFAR AIDS fundraiser at Cannes, the parents of two Robert Pattinson fans paid $40,000 for the privilege of having their daughters kissed by a Matinée Idol who dresses and smells like a homeless person. But it was just a kiss on the cheek, so with a good disinfectant scrub those girls should be okay!

Anyway, the real dirt is that Pattinson was spending all night looking hot and heavy and giving freebie kisses to some girl named Erika, seen above, who he went home with. So does that mean Robert Pattinson has a new girlfriend?

Who are we kidding, that guy doesn’t have anything new. When you donate clothes to charity he’s probably the final destination. Still it’s nice to see Pattinson give back after all his success… which is just one slightly profitable vampire movie and 2 minutes in a Harry Potter flick, but you know… still.

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Remember that airhead Miss California Carrie Prejean, who had a sort of scandal when during the Miss USA competition she told Perez Hilton that she doesn’t support gay marriage (really Perez Hilton being considered qualified to judge a beauty pageant should be the scandal)? Well now she actually did screw up as a topless photo of her was leaked on TheDirty.com, a clear violation of the pageant morals clause.

Carrie’s claiming that the picture is from when she was 17, but Victoria’s Secret claim the panties she’s wearing didn’t even exist back then, and apparently this photo is 9 weeks old at the latest. Carbon dating lingerie is pretty ridiculous and I care about Carrie Prejean topless just about as much as I care about a day old cup of coffee.

She already lost the Miss USA pageant… can someone just make Prejean go away?

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For most people living in the suburbs, just getting to the local video store to rent a movie can be time consuming and costly. Everybody is always looking to save money and with all the new innovations in technology, watching movies has now become as simple as the click of a button! iReel has created a new standard for watching movies online by creating a state-of-the-art player that requires no downloads, installs or plug-ins.

With their easy to use set-up, no commitment and premium services, iReel is the perfect solution for your entertainment needs. Unlike movie theaters and rental stores iReel never closes, and every movie is always available, so you can watch what you want, when you want.

Every genre is iReel’s specialty and with new Hollywood releases being offered weekly, iReel’s collection is ever growing. So you can plan a romantic comedy night with your partner, a horror movie night with your friends, or get a family movie for your kids. It’s simple, fast and easy.

When you get past a certain age, there’s nothing skankier looking than a tattoo on your lower back, and unfortunately for Julia Roberts, she long since past that point. Here’s a vacation in Hawaii shot of the once Pretty Woman wearing a bikini tiny enough to show off the tattoos of her kid’s names. You’d think if you named two of your kids Phinnaeus and Hazel, you’d want to keep that on the DL, but apparently Julia is in competition with Gweneth to see who’s kids can get beat up the most when they’re old enough for school.

Seriously though, why would you get a tattoo of your kids names on the one part of your body you can’t see? Is that like saying you don’t want to be reminded of your kids?

Anyway, for something a lot more relevant than Julia Roberts, check out My Linked HP, which has links to all your favorite sites. And by favorite I mean, sites with no content on Julia “so 15 years ago” Roberts.

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First of all let me just make it clear that I’m not trying to squat water all over Christina Applegate’s big cover girl moment and I even though she hasn’t been funny in anything since the Bush Sr. administration, I don’t wish her any ill will. It’s great that she beat cancer, and sad that she had to carve up her body to do it.

That being said, on what planet does People Magazine considered her the most beautiful beautiful person in the world? Even putting aside the double mastectomy, she’s far the only person in Hollywood with a new pair of tits, Christina is 37 and has a face that’s 55.

Seriously, look at that close up and tell me she’s not six months away from Madonna levels of decay. Bea Arthur looks younger on the cover and she’s been dead for a week.

Still the cover interview was totally worth it, if for nothing else because of the revelation that during the 80’s Applegate went on a date with Brad Pitt and left without even telling him. Gwyneth and Jen have a new hero.

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Gathering Storm

(Hey guys, I know we don’t usually discuss gay bashing beyond the context of Lindsay Lohan jokes on the site, but I got so upset by the video above that I’ve cut and pasted a note I originally wrote on my personal Facebook.

Intolerant hatred should be reserved for slutty celebrities who are richer and prettier than us, not based on sexual orientation. Fight the real enemy!)

Am I the only one who thinks the subtext of this ad is unless someone beats the crap out of a faggot and leaves them in a ditch to die, the sun will never come out again?

Whoever made “Gathering Storm” makes Leni Riefenstahl look like Mahatma Gandhi. Lacking any fact based argument against gay marriage, The National Organization for Marriage basically resorts to fear mongering, with actors rifling through a long list of ways gay marriage victimizes straight people like “My freedom… will be taken away” and “I’m a California doctor, who must choose between my faith and my job”, without even pretending to explain how that makes any sense.

But if you’re offended by the ad, I think that’s the point. Aside from the sinister infomercial vibe that seems to have been lifted straight out of Vanilla Sky’s ending; look at the “a rainbow coalition of people of every creed and color are coming together (with their pitchforks)” line. Jesse Jackson allusions aside, NOM deliberately was trying to co-opt the rainbow symbolism from the gay community to get under people’s skin, and bet outrage would equal free press.

And it’s completely worked, with high profile parodies already appearing on The Colbert Report and FunnyorDie.com (NOM even thanks Colbert for the evisceration on their website). Sure all the feedback might be that NOM is skuzzy, but that’s not really the point as a new CBS Poll released April 3^rd shows that Americans still oppose gay marriage by a  2/3^rd majority. So the more exposure NOM can get, the more likely they are to get a majority rallying to their cause. It might be evil, but this ad is exceedingly effective.