So a couple of days ago when commenting on how Kristin Kreuk’s new lesbian haircut makes her look like the white Rihanna, a reader pointed out that Rihanna is the white Rihanna. And upon closer inspection, I’ve got to agree - she makes Halle Berry look like Wesley Snipes.

Anyway, here’s Rihanna yesterday on the New York party scene, showing us what we’ve known for a while about her, that the only way she can tell her right nipple from the left is to stick a tiny metal spear through it.

Seriously, if you ever see Rihanna in a club be like, “are you attracted to me or is that just the magnet in my pocket.” It won’t get you anywhere, she’s hooked up with Chris Brown among other reasons, but I promise her bodyguards will get a laugh… followed by them unceremoniously throwing you into the dumpster outside.

Anyway, see thru nipple rings and all, Rihanna still looks gorgeous.

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So it’s been a painfully slow news day everywhere that is except for Israel, where their Prime Minister Ehud Olmert resigned today for no apparently reason. Israeli governments have a higher turnover rate than French Fry cooker station at a McDonald’s but whatever… this is Celeb Slap not Politician Slap.

Anyway, now that there’s the job opening, Israelis could do worse than considering the Israeil born Bar Rafaeli, shown here vacationing in St. Tropez.

Yeah I know at age 23 she’s a little young, and the government would have to adjust their military budget just to afford her appearance fee but look what they’d be getting: the first female Prime Minister ever and yes I’m including Golda Mier.

The Middle East Peace Crisis would be solved in five minutes, seriously do you think there’s a single Arab leader who would have a problem negotiating with the Israeli Prime Minister if this is what an Israeli Prime Minister looked like? The talking points would quickly shift from how to divide Jerusalem to if they throw in half of Saudi Arabia, would Rafaeli consider spending a week on their private yacht.

(And if that didn’t work, Bar could always open her supermodel Rolodex and appoint Naomi Campbell as her new Minister of Defense. The Israeli military is one thing, but Palestinians do not want to mess with a PMS-ing model with a receding hair line. Trust me.)

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Hey kids, it’s the White Rihanna!

Kristin Kreuk, who just left Smallville after 7 seasons, seems to have lost her identity a bit, cutting her long locks in a decision she said she’s been contemplating for three years. She says she likes the change because it makes yoga more fun and now she can finally use hair gel.

OMG - she’s actually as boring as the character she plays on TV.

Anyway, just in case you forgot, here’s what Kristin Kreuk looked like when straight guys still thought they had a chance.

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When it comes to the hierarchy of Disney channel stars, I guess Demi Lovato must have been thinking, well if I can’t date Zack Efron, I’ll just get someone who dresses like him.

That’s the only explanation I have for “Keith“, Demi Lovato’s ambiguous boy friend, who if not in the closet, seems at the least to be gay for Efron. Seriously, that Single White Female even has the same haircut!

But maybe the eye shadow is deceptive… you never know, maybe the kid’s just emo.

(After all, if I were gay my parents could deal, but emo? Nobody likes a whiny emo kid. Nobody.)

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As a general rule the ecstasy and the agony of th McDonald’s dining experience is it’s mind numbingly monotonous, but apparently not so in Malibu, where celebrities like Kim Kardashian and Lauren Conrad can be seen in bikinis munching on Big Macs.

Actually, these pictures are from a beach house event commemorating the 40th anniversary of the Big Mac, which I wouldn’t even be covering it if Kim Kardashian could go five minutes without looking like a Fly Girl with the fly unzipped.

What is that outfit? Bikini top, overalls, and short shorts with a soccer mom waistline - all delivered in a UPS color scheme. Way more Return to Sender than the total package IMO.

Anyway, Kimmy K really did dig into the Big Macs. The wide framed model was probably the only celebrity who wanted it to go straight to her thighs.

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So because it’s apparently some obscure California state law, any picture taken by Miley Cyrus ever has to be leaked onto the internet, here’s the latest, Miley giving a very affectionate kiss on the cheek to an unknown older woman.

You might think I’m making too much of this to call it a lesbian picture, but a couple of friendly teenage pics is how it started with Lindsay Lohan, and by now she’s cleaned more carpets than a Stanley Steamer.

Plus that’s before pointing out Miley has already recreated the Lady & The Tramp spaghetti scene with another chick.

But to be fair, also leaked was old photos of Cyrus getting cozy with ex-boyfriend Thomas Sturges who’s best known for well… just being photographed with Miley Cyrus.

So what do you think, does Miley look more into the guy or the girl?

Picture via here and here

For us people of a certain age this is heartbreaking, but it looks like Madonna, 49, seen here leaving a Kabbalah Center in Manhattan, has finally been beaten with the fugly stick. She looks like Eva Perón and not the one she portrayed in the movie, the one that’s been dead since 1952. She looks like Joni Mitchell on steroids. She looks like all her teeth have been removed and she has to eat her meals through a straw.

Which brings me to why she let ex Carlos Leon knock her up in the first place…

The great thing about 11-year-old daughter Lourdes Maria Ciccone Leon for Madonna is no matter how bad a toll the aging process takes on the Material Girl, as long as her own girl is around, she’ll never be the ugly one in the room.

Seriously, I know making fun of celebrity’s kids is about as classy as stealing from the homeless but Lourdes looks like a 45-year-old Arab man from the planet Xenu.

And I know Xenu was their ruler not a planet, and Madonna’s cult is Kabbalah not Scientology, but how am I supposed to keep track of these things when I’m staring at an 11-year-old girl with a mustache three times as thick as my father’s?

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So I’ve seen so much speculation lately about if Selena Gomez is the next Miley Cyrus, that I thought it would be kind of funny to figure out who the next Selena Gomez will be… you know the next 14 or 15 year old kid people are inevitably going to compare to Miley Cyrus.

Anyway, my vote is cast for the 16-year-old Brit Georgia Groom. You haven’t heard of her before but she’s starring in the upcoming “Angus, Thongs, and Full Frontal Snogging” which is being billed as the teenage Bridget Jones. At the very least her British accent is more convincing than Lindsay Lohan in Parent Trap.

You can check out the trailer for yourself here.

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Normally I don’t like posting about Brooke Hogan- the whole not knowing if she’s a man or woman thing is kind of creepy, but I’m always curious about the does the carpet match the drapes department and if not a carpet, that rodent should at least be harvested into a pair of slippers.

If sibling DUI Nick didn’t get to it first- that animal looks like a Kola Bear clubbed like a seal.

Meanwhile even putting aside gender, I’m not sure what specie Brooke Hogan is. I guess when your a second generation steroid user certain side effects are to be expected… though to be fair opposable thumbs are probably overrated anyway.

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So I was watching a Conan O’Brien rerun last night when Patricia Heaton started telling this story about how she had done this lingerie photo shoot as a favor to her makeup artist and a photographer. The pics were just supposed to be for their portfolio but someone hacked the computer and posted them on the internet.

Patricia was shocked when a fan came up to her and asked her to sign one of the pictures!

At least that’s version Heaton’s been telling, and maybe I’d believe it was coming from the month of a 20-year-old, but the way I figure if your 50 and still look that good, the person most interested in having those photos leaked… is Patricia Heaton.
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