It turns out not only wasn’t Michael Jackson the biological father, he might not have even been their legal father, as he never officially adapted any of his three children.

US Magazine has uncovered that Michael Jackson’s dermatologist Arnold Klein is the biological father of at least two of Michael’s children, Michael Jr. and his daughter Paris. Additionally, the children were conceived in vitro, with Debbie Rowe (Klein’s empoyee) only acting as a surrogate - meaning we don’t even know who the mother is! Here’s TMZ:

“Multiple sources deeply connected to the births tell us Michael was not the sperm donor for any of his kids. Debbie’s eggs were not used. She was merely the surrogate, and paid well for her services in the births of Michael Jr. and Paris.”

Personally I’d guess Diana Ross as the egg donor, if the kids weren’t so clearly Caucasian. Anyway, TMZ also uncovered that Michael Jackson never even bothered to officially adapt any of his three children:

“We’ve learned Jackson never filed legal papers to adopt any of his children. Legal experts tell us Jackson would be presumed the father but it’s not conclusive by any means.”

Meaning if Debbie Rowe, Arnold Klein, the mysterious egg donor or anyone else involved with the conception of Michael Jackson’s children wanted to wage a custody battle with Jackson’s parents, they’d have a legitimate claim. Which considering what a horrific job Joe and Katherine Jackson did raising Michael; might actually be a good thing.

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Michael Jackson might have died just a few days ago, but apparently most of his body left us years ago. Details of his initial autopsy have been leaked, and regardless of what killed him he was already disappearing into nothingness; as he weighed only 112 pounds at the time of his death, was missing much of his body as the result of at 13 plastic surgery operations, and underneath his ever present wig was just a hint of peach fuzz.

Even aside from him almost certainly having been a child molester, I’m one of those people who just can’t view Jackson’s death as a tragedy. They found numerous needle marks in his shoulders, thighs, and hips- the result of years of 3 times a day narcotics injections. If the guy was in so much pain, real or imagined that he had to pump that much drugs into his system just to feel numb, clearly this was not someone happy to be alive.

The Michael Jackson we grew up watching died years ago; the cardiac arrest just made it official.

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With Britney Spears having her act together as much as that’s humanly possible, it’s nice to have this reminder of what her life was like before her parents put her under virtual house arrest. Taken during the video shoot for Gimme More, here you can see Britney totally topless except for that brown residue K-FED’s spawns left breast feeding her Cheetos.

(Can you OD on bad breast milk? There’s not even having a chance, and then there’s getting a DUI for a crashed tricycle. Nothing would surprise me with those kids.)

Anyway, if you’d like to see more of Brit-Brit topless be my guest, but remember - your lunch isn’t going to keep itself down.

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Usually pictures of celebrity moms in bikinis scare me half to death, because how can I say this regarding my birth control pills… eggs aren’t the only things with expiration dates. But as scared as I am about losing what remains of my figure to a pink dot on a preggers test, I’ve got to admit the original Octo-Mom fame whore is holding up surprisingly well.

Here’s Kate Gosselin in an orange bikini, likely showing off to all her potential new suitors, now that her relationship with Jon pretty much exists only in reruns.

To put Gosselin’s looks in perspective, Cindy Crawford is pretty much genetically perfect, and this is how she looks after only having two kids. How is it Gosselin had 8 kids at once and is still holding up better than a supermodel?

I’d say she made a deal with the devil, but that only explains the TV show. This just doesn’t make sense.

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